shenanigans
by distantseas
Summary: A collection of drabbles and one-shots concerning the adventures of our favourite brot3 - Captain Charming Hood and their leading ladies.
1. dates

Anonymous Asked: How about our savior and pirate going out on a date(finally) and a everybody following them around on their date and watching. (I was listening to Kiss the Girl from the Little Mermaid and pictured Emma and Killian in their places and everybody singing that to them)

summary: jealous!Charming with Robin and co. snooping on Hook and Emma's date.

a/n: Thank you, nonnie. Sorry, this got out of hand and weird tense changes. Charming/Hook/Robin are my brot3. Charming should totally get a tattoo and join the club (maybe I will write that up sometime).

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He opens the door to find Robin already waiting outside, fist hanging in mid-knock. "Your majesty." Roland peeks out from behind with a shy smile, gripping onto handfuls of his father's pants.

"David." They have known each other long enough to disregard status, but old habits die hard.

"David," Robin coughs, correcting himself. Scratching the nape of his neck, he seems unsure of how to voice his thoughts. "It seems out dear Captain has cancelled our routine visit to the tavern tonight."

"He what?" David barely registers the words, catching a glimpse of blonde just out of his periphery. Descending from the staircase is his daughter; her footfalls are light and dainty, with a small smile gracing her lips. He smiles too, mouth automatically curving upwards as he imagines the perfect little princess she could've been. She slips past him to grab her trademark red leather jacket before heading out the door.

He can't remember the last time she curled her hair.

"Hold on, Emma Swan, where are you going?"

"Out." She ruffles Roland's hair affectionately, nodding at Robin in acknowledgement.

"With who?"

"Hook." They all freeze at the mention of his name, gears suddenly clicking into place, sans Roland, who continues to stare in blissful innocence.

"But Friday is boys' night out!"

"Sorry dad."

He doesn't know whether he's supposed to be angry at Hook for breaking traditions or appalled at the fact that Emma had just pulled the 'dad' card on him.

.

In the midst of breaking curses and traversing realms, the three of them reserved much needed time off from either rescuing damsels in distress and more often than not, getting their asses saved by their leading ladies. Every Friday meant drunken nights at The Rabbit Hole, one day of the week where they didn't need to think, only drink and revel in a temporary normalcy.

And just because Hook was on a date with Emma, it didn't mean they had to stop either.

"I don't think this is a good idea." Robin juggles his hold of Roland, switching to the other arm to support the weight.

"I just need to make sure he doesn't try anything funny." With a pat on his back, David reassures him.

They are waiting in the back alley of Granny's diner, ready to set their plan in motion. Robin has convinced Regina to 'let them borrow Henry for a couple hours', all part of the ruse. Ruby would inform them of Hook and Emma's arrival (who in the right mind would have a date at Granny's diner?), while they would all enter the diner separately, as if a matter of coincidence.

The hinges of the metal door groan with a heavy swing open. Ruby emerges, thrusting a bag of garbage into his hands and gesturing towards the dump. "Well, I don't hand out free favors."

.

From the table nearest to the window, he peeks from the top of the newspaper, watching them come in. They settle into the stools near the front counter, their bodies inadvertently tilted towards each other. His grip tightens on today's edition of the Storybrooke Mirror, and he flips to the next page with such ferocity that it rips the edge.

Hook toys with her hair, his fingers alternating between strokes and light tugs. The smile never leaves her lips as she talks, and he lets her speak for the duration, gazing at her with soft adoration and…

David thinks he's going to be sick to his stomach.

He taps the window pane, the first time as a cue, the second becomes insistent and the third is an outright plea.

Robin comes into view with Roland in tow, Henry trailing not far behind. The jingle of the door rings merrily, all patrons of the diner are alerted of their presence. Nudging Henry towards Emma and plopping Roland onto Hook's lap, Robin steps conveniently between the couple to place an order from a smirking Ruby.

So far so good.

Once Ruby disappears into the kitchen, Robin and company sit in the booth adjacent to his table. Henry stares off into the distance with a grin, whereas Roland jumps in his seat, his sweet giggles filling the air. On the other hand, Robin has a look of nervousness, eyes flitting between him and the side.

"I think they're going to kiss." Clamping a hand over his mouth, Henry tries to keep his laughter silent.

"Kiss!" David follows the direction Roland points to.

Oh God.

With a hand situated just above her knee (since when?), Hook leans into her touch. Emma trails a finger along the underside of his jaw, pulling him closer. There is barely space between them when she pauses (thank goodness), whispering into his lips. They hold onto the moment, breathing into each other (this is truly scarring), and then he smiles, dipping his head to close the distance.

"No!"

David stands abruptly, thrusting his paper down. Cutlery clangs on the table, and the coffee spills from his cup, forming a steaming pool on the laminated floor. With a huff of exasperation, he storms towards the surprised pair.

Squeezing Hook on the shoulder, he presses his lips together in a tight line. "Just remember that Friday is boys' night out."

In a quick motion, he leaves the establishment, rounding the corner with a face flushed red.

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	2. tattoos

summary: Captain Charming Hood have nothing to do during Snow's baby shower and so muse about tattoos, you know, just because Charming doesn't have one.

a/n: THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY

disclaimer: I always forget to add this but no I do not own any one of these lovely characters. :(

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They sat side by side on the couch, not daring to complain about the lack of distance separating each other. A hormonal pregnant Snow seemed to also translate to an equally irritated David, funny how the two of them never strayed from one another. Each of them were equipped with a bottle of beer in hand, not that they were given a choice of beverage anyway, half watching the hue of the screen and half listening to Henry's explanation of the game.

Hockey, he called it.

David was just as clueless as they were, nodding absentmindedly on behalf of the group whenever Henry asked if they 'got it', because they clearly did not. The stubborn prince insisted on squeezing in with them, creating a space for himself. That left them all pressed thigh to thigh, shoulder to shoulder and with Robin sandwiched in the middle, lines of discomfort increasingly prominent on his face.

Snow had wanted a baby shower much to the chagrin of Regina, who blessed them with a curse the first time, and Emma, who was more accustomed to the solitude than the excitement that came with any celebration. Originally, Snow wanted the entire town cramped up in the loft, a suggestion that no one agreed with. Thankfully, Dr. Whale convinced her otherwise, well tried to. David had to compensate by promising two, one for a private family gathering and the other would be a public affair.

Here they were, utterly bored to death with Snow's enthusiasm droning over the sound of the television. With their backs to the conversation, he was sure he could feel the weight of Emma's stare burning a hole through his skull. And he was so tempted to turn around, to succumb to every ounce of pleading behind her eyes. But if he even dared, Snow would shoot him a glare, one that would instantaneously set him aflame.

Besides, David had him pressed to the edge of the couch with barely any space to move anyway.

"Hook? Killian?" A hand waved in front of his face, effectively snapping him from his daze. "Were you even listening?" David cocked his head to the side, a frown marring his features.

"My sincerest apologies, your Highness." David rolled his eyes, a gesture, among other notable reactions, that Emma certainly inherited.

"Tattoo." Robin wriggled in his seat, trying to find more room. "Felt left out without one."

Unconsciously, the cold metal of his hook brushed against his right arm. Still, there were times when he wanted to so desperately to touch, to feel the mark branded on his skin. He was often reminded, like the phantom prickling of his missing hand, by the nightmares plaguing his sleep, of the dust between his fingers and the painful clutching of his own heart.

On his side, Robin had rolled up his sleeve, fingers tracing the black emblem of a lion. A wistful smile graced his lips, reminiscent of pain and purpose. He left no line untouched, thumb caressing the crest gently. It was something to live for, to die for, a memory of suffering and an ode to remembering.

He spoke in an uncharacteristically gentle tone. "What will it be?"

David stole a glance at Snow, the contours of his face softening. "A snowflake."

"A snowflake?" He sputtered out, nearly choking in disbelief. "Are you daft, mate?"

"I believe he's quite serious." Robin shook his head, chuckling. "And dare I say, charmed."

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	3. the birds and the bees

**summary:** quick little brot3 fic that starts off with "the talk" and turns into a battle of innuendo…?

**disclaimer: **unfortunately, I don't own any of these characters.

* * *

"Is Regina my mommy?"

_Oh no_.

Robin does not expect this conversation with Roland until way later, perhaps ten years down the road (frankly never), but definitely not now with the Wicked Witch still on the loose. He hopes his four year old son would remain blissfully innocent and grow up with a remarkable sense of intuition.

"Uh… I-She's a very nice lady." He manages to sputter out, inwardly cursing when Roland scrunches his brows in confusion. Sometimes he wishes his son did not inherit his dimples, the two little dips on either side of his cheeks always worked in his favor.

"But papa, I don't get it."

Big brown eyes stare back, lips curling down in a pout, pleading and _for the love of God_ —

_How can anyone say no to that face?_

"Babies were delivered by storks." The sheriff's boy, (Henry, was it?), shrugs, never taking his eyes off his device. "That's how the Disney movies showed it."

"Ah, yes…" Despite being absolutely clueless to the boy's nonsense, he nods slowly in faux comprehension. "In your realm, babies come from storks?"

Finally, Henry turns his attention from the screen, an odd look passing across his face. Robin shudders, feeling a strange wave of premonition, and then, "No, sex."

He squeaks, the prince of thieves actually squeaks as he tried to cover Roland's ears in time. In hindsight, he really shouldn't have asked. And Regina is going to blast him with her magic, he can feel it.

"Well done." Likewise, he senses the smug grin of (Captain) Killian Jones behind him. He has spent too many days in the Prince's loft (he's certain he heard Regina call them the 'Un-Charmings' the first time), which left way too much time to get acquainted with the leather clad pirate.

"I don't suppose you have something to do with this?" Robin pushes Roland towards Henry - this may also turn out to be bad idea since Roland always comes back asking for iPads and cell phones, whatever they are.

"With what?" Tongue in cheek, Killian feigns ignorance. "Hoisting the sails or maneuvering the ship?"

"That's terrible." Robin can't even pretend to laugh, yet Killian's grin grows impossibly wider.

"Slipping your rope through the knot?" Groaning, he runs a hand along his jaw, praying to all the deities for this pirate to just stop. Captain Hook he could deal with but not the mischievous streak from Captain Innuendo.

Relief comes in the form of Storybrooke's law enforcement, a two person team of father and daughter. Robin tries not to snort when Killian perks up instantly at the sound of jingling keys, his eyes following the figures entering into the loft. His sweeping gaze warms with genuine concern before softening to pure adoration – the man is a bloody sap for his Emma – and the spell only breaks when David bounds towards them as if he's reunited with his long lost wolf pack.

"Can't you come up with something more obvious?" With David in the picture, he settles into the small talk more comfortably. "Placing your arrow in her quiver?"

David picks up on their direction immediately, almost too happy to oblige. "You jab your sword—"

"Already used that one on your daughter, mate." Killian rubs the back of his neck nervously, realizing that David has moved his fingers dangerously close to the holster of his gun. Formerly confident, Killian is reduced to a flustered mess, donning a sheepish smile that could be his only saving grace. "Not literally, of course."

_Yeah right_.

Perhaps he spends too much time with Regina, but even a fool can see the yearning looks and doey-eyes between the pirate captain and the blonde sheriff.

_Not literally_, his arse.

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